Half a year ago I would have titled this page roundabout way. Looking back into the past I viewed my life so as there would have been a destination I tried to reach. But my way was not a straight line.
Today I think that didn´t made steps forward to a destiantion. I made changes in my life on and on to make me feel better right here and now.
When I divide my personality into three equal parts I experience one part as male and two parts as female. As a woman I can show much more maleness as I ever could show femalness as a man.
I can tell that this mixture of male and female parts changes slightly for me. And of this it is just impossible for me to declare myself as a CD, TV or TS.
As a child have I been a girl? For others surely not. For myself I was a girl but I didn´t show it because of fear to be blamed. No one should know the truth about my gender.
I didn´t wear typical male clothing and with the years I threatened my mother so that she allowed me to let my hair grow. But on the other side I didn´t show my female side to others because I knew that I would not be accepted by the other children.
As I desided to become a kindergarden teacher I didn´t really know why I made this decition. I tried to become a woman by doing a classical women-job. But after a few years I recognised that I was still a man and I stopped working with children.
I tried to live part times as a man and part times as a woman but I didn´t work it out. It was too hard for me to keep this two worlds apart.
Because of my problems living as a man and as a woman I decided to become a real man - an then I became depressive.
My decition to live as woman fulltime was something that happened to me. Now since two years I name myself Birgit. I am not a woman but I live as a woman and that is the difference to my past.